around 6pm yesterday, I remembered when a guy friend from the MTZ college ministry had announced he’s leaving.
for a job.
immediately, I felt emotional. a sense of loss. a sense of abandonment.
i was somewhat embarrassed about how I felt. somewhat, embarrassed about my raw reaction too.
i said to myself i’d write about it. and then, i wrote on an already marked up script, “WRITE one Time I broke down because a guy friend n….” [illegible]
and then, I scrolled through my texts.
a person who is dear to me said they were leaving.
in the capacity of the leaving, it’s totally understandable. from all sides. just like with B, who had announced he was leaving for a job.
but. and remember you don’t like buts. [inside joke, you know who you are]
i couldn’t help but feel a sense of loss.
immediately, I started reading articles. posting shit on facebook. it was good shit too.
i distracted myself. i distracted myself so as to not feel another sense of loss.
to be clear, i am not afraid of being alone. i value my space. i need it more than anybody i know tbh. i am an absorber and know that about myself. i value my space. i need it more than anybody i know because i am a sponge. whether i want to or not, i take it all in. whether i want to or not i feel loss and whether i want to or not, i must deal with it.
freaking leo season.
and what about leo season, huh?
i’ve had a special relationship with Leo. it is the time the creative in me has felt renewed, more creative, more bold, more I’m going to say the shit I think and you will deal. I cut my hair off 20 years ago. I got my first tattoo 20 years ago. i started this blog 5 years ago. I’ve done a lot during this season many years in between.
save for deal with the feeling of loss.
the text I saw today, shook me. I felt, what am I going to do now? I felt, damn, today was such a dope ass day. it seemed perfect:
i killed it in all of meetings today.
i worked in a collaborative space and made connections with dope new collaborators.
i even determined who i’d like my dream team to be. and i’m going to schedule a meeting with each of these folks to see if they are down.
what am i going to do now?
i can do what i was doing. i’ve always acknowledged that my creativity has been inspired by other people because they oftentimes say or think or do what i haven’t out of fear.
out of worth, but not enough. out of creating space for others to shine because i’m comfortable in the background pulling vibrational strings. out of feeling like i can do something through those vibrations. and I could. i wasn’t lying to myself.
but i wasn’t stepping up either. i’d fade to the background and use my senses and my sense of hope to see work through another with whom i felt a connection.
that’s what the guy friend thing was about. he was creative. stylish. a dreadhead. lost. figuring things out but put on a good face. he believed in what he could not see. oftentimes he postured but he took risks. gave up that job, engineering to sale clothes at Nordstrom. and the man could dress. he was a creative, seeking his own lost or forgotten talent and he was figuring it out. i loved him for that.
that’s what the text was about. she is creative. a muse. ambitious. a friend who talked me off the ledge while staying grounded in her own pursuits and making something dope happen despite circumstances.
i snapped out of the drama. thank you Aquarian self.
and I thought, when one loses, it makes room for higher. losing is not a death, but a birth. a chance for starting over, but starting over on a new level. love and light under new management. a passing report card. room for higher. a shedding of what no longer serves you.
and so, I work through the drama and remember, light. i feel light.
today was a dope ass day and i know there is room being made for higher.
what no longer serves us must go. everything.
and when i called immediately, to say wtf, the text message from the Universe said, there’s no beef. there is relief.
and I thought, this isn’t a loss. it’s a promotion.
the power of association dictates that we, in association, follow the wave of those around us. my loss, based on an experience when my father left, is not a loss. it’s a test.
do i trust the Universe as my DJ or not?
Pon the replay and then press play.
and now, I believe. again. most emotionally intelligently.
and i see what’s about to happen because i have already seen it. i had a psychic moment today. it happened before two witnesses. it freaked me out. it always does.
but i remembered.
and i’ve seen this before. not knowing. not taking my physical sight and buffering it with my spiritual. habits take time to form.
but i saw it already. and it makes so much sense.
and we’re going higher. together. individually. in our own lanes. and while those lanes will still intertwine, i can stand on my own.
i can step out on my own.
my name means something too.
i always have.
i shine, you shine. we shine.
if i don’t shine, i’m hurting, limiting, closing my self in a way that is unfair to me and in effect, unfair to the world.
the world doesn’t have a place for dabblers. the world does have the place for multi-talented who claim space in all those things.
i am not an imposter.
i am for real.
and i am proud. proud to care enough to feel a sense of loss and to determine that my new definition of loss is room for the Universe to make room. proud to see those who inspire me to move. to go higher. proud to make room.
and I’m stepping tf up. in whatever direction. i’m going.
–gelle, who is waxing poetic in a one-woman salon show right now and right now, going higher.